Gearing Up for the Inevitable: Sending My Son to College and Adulthood

I have never considered myself a helicopter parent. I wasn’t the kind of mom who volunteered much for school activities and maybe only served once as a chaperone. I placed my kids in daycare from the time they were three months old and went back to work. With my husband, we have supported our kids’ academics and strived to get them where they needed to be for many practices and games over the years, putting thousands of miles on our cars and attempting to stay sane while standing in rainstorms and even sleet and snow.

But starting last year, I became an active player on my older son’s journey to adulthood. We had decided to enroll him in the International Baccalaureate (IB) program at the public high school in our town in 9th grade. I knew from speaking with others that it was rigorous and that there would be a lot of homework and essay writing in addition to exams. I was confident that he could handle it. What I did not anticipate is that my son has always been a joiner. He loves playing sports and was on three teams for much of his childhood playing lacrosse, soccer, and basketball. The number of hours devoted to two varsity sports and myriad clubs was intense and challenging. His high school experience was also stressful as it was for many teenagers around the country due to the pandemic. The immersion back into a large public school environment full time earlier this year was also challenging for many of the kids after so many months attending school virtually or hybrid (both virtually and in person).

But his college application process was the issue that really tipped the scale for me. He has always been a good student and his resume and volunteerism was excellent. We toured several colleges last summer, driving north and south and flying to one in August. When it came time for the application process, he was ready, and his list of colleges was eclectic. Like many parents, I was really shocked at how much the process for applying to college has changed since I attended school. It’s very expensive since each school charges a fee for sending in applications, not to mention the hidden costs related to traveling and visiting schools and staying overnight. My mom assisted us by hiring a consultant to help us throughout the process (yes, I know I am very fortunate and I’m eternally grateful). And we met a lot of people online through fantastic listservs who were wonderful and very helpful in sharing information.

What has been lost in all of the end of the year activities though is that my son will be leaving home and will soon be on a path to being more independent. I haven’t really had much time to ponder this until just this moment and while it is a happy circumstance and one that I knew was coming, there are some emotional feelings that I am experiencing in the days before he lets go.

Like my son, I am the oldest child who grew up in a family of four. I understand the role he has played both in supporting his younger brother and helping me mature. It has always been me and him from the beginning of my time of being a mom. I have nurtured him, supported him, and helped him every step of the way. But now it is time to let go.

So, I am enjoying these last few weeks of school as they play out. From the Senior Prom with his girlfriend and his cord ceremony for IB to graduation and his end of year party. It’s all coming together and the sense of pride I feel is immense. I wasn’t an athlete like my son and have reveled in his last games and celebrated even in the losses. In the few months I have before he leaves for school, there are a few things I would like to do and I’m sharing them here:

1. Enjoy one final trip together as a family and show him some of the meaningful places we enjoyed growing up. We are taking a family vacation where I will share some of my dad’s favorite places with him.

2. See a movie or binge a series together. Really looking forward to Top Gun when that opens! Sometimes I make my kids watch cooking shows with me and they seem to enjoy it when they are not arguing!

3. Cook something together that my son enjoys. Some of his favorite dishes are spaghetti and meatballs, udon noodles with pork, and sesame chicken. He has already started to figure out where he can go for the best pizza near his campus!

4. Practice doing the laundry and ironing. He says he knows how to do this, but I know better.

5. Talk about safety. My son is going to school in one of the largest cities in the country. Although he is very familiar with it from family trips, he needs to have a sense of how to handle situations and a basic understanding of street smarts.

6. Invest in a really good alarm clock. How many times have I tried to rouse my son only to have him fall asleep again before an early morning practice? Yup. Making sure he has something really loud to take with him!

7. Go somewhere he enjoys visiting once before he leaves. A favorite place to get ice cream, a paddle in the kayak, a trip to the pool, or a bike ride around the area.

8. Make sure there is quality time for others. His little brother professes to look forward to the day my older son leaves, but I suspect he will deeply miss him. This is when your relationship with your only sibling strengthens. I really did miss my sister when I left for school, and I know he will miss his brother too.

I’m sure I will shed tears at drop off. I didn’t understand when people did that, but I get it now. I know it’s not forever and I will see him again. I hope I have prepared him well for what life brings. He has exciting times ahead and his family is eager to see him do well. I promise not to redecorate his room or turn it into a yoga studio. But it will certainly be a lot cleaner. At least there is that!